I am familiar with Alfie Kohn – “Unconditional Parenting”, anyway – and I try to avoid using rewards and punishments. This would actually include bribery and incentives, I think. However, I sometimes cross the line, and sometimes flirt with it.

For instance, I have been known to say, “Yes, you can watch that video, right after you clean up the mess you made.” On the one hand, I’m really only setting some expectations and a timeline. On the other hand, I know that if I were to ask the kid to clean AFTER the video it’s not happening. So there is some coercion there, and something of a carrot being dangled.

I am OK with this type of thing in very certain circumstances. Like, say, when my kid is getting a shot, which happens less than once a year. Getting shots are no fun, and so if I offer something fun after, it smooths the situation and it doesn’t set me up for a major downfall. I’m also OK with wiggling timelines to my favour, when the outcome is never in question. So I’m not threatening or that sort of thing. And I’m also OK with laying out expectations in advance – IF you paint, then I expect you to clean up. Beyond that, I try to avoid it, but nobody’s perfect.

I suspect a few more rules about when homework has to be done will have to be instituted as he gets older, but helping him develop the habit of doing it without being told at an early age was a bonus I stumbled on accidentally, as I certainly did not intend that when I first started putting it out. (Did you ever notice some of the coolest parenting successes seem to be accidental?) It was so neat to see him motivated to do it himself, and I can’t see any harm in him learning to be willing to work for something he wants, whether it is a toy now, a CD player later, or a career choice, especially where he has to work within someone else’s expectations (a teacher’s for homework, a store’s for payment for that CD player, a college admission board, or whatever). In the meantime, he can still have pride in the accomplishment of each day’s work, and in fact, I doubt the sticker chart would be successful if the ONLY reward was the prize, without the daily affirmation of his efforts from us and his teacher.

I think the bigger danger is in the immediate reward that only teaches immediate gratification (truly a bribe), or perhaps immediate disappointment in losing it if you mess up. The all-or-nothing game can be very stressful, especially if the reward is a rarely allowed thing! Perhaps that was the reason the jolly ranchers/cookie worked only briefly for Adrian.

So, that was a longer 2 cents than I intended, but there it is!

Personally, I like Kerrie’s approach. Reward the effort, let the results take care of themselves. I like that, and I like to be treated that way.

But deciding the reward is yet another trick, in and of itself. What I finally figured out (about the time the oldest was leaving home) is that the rewards must be considered rewards by the recipient. I have one child who loves praise, public recognition, and making a big deal out of accomplishments, and anything else that is given instead – even money – is not a “real” reward. Then I have another one who would just puke if I made a public (even if public only means ‘out loud’) spectacle out of anything and would prefer cash payments made on the sly, but appreciates anything given in a quiet, sedate manner, including a hug or a high-five, as long as no one is looking. The other one is in the middle somewhere. So when it comes time to reward them, I have to adjust according to whom I’m rewarding if I want it to be effective.

Figuring out what really motivates your kid and how s/he prefers to be rewarded can go a long way toward making sense of it all. At least if you know what they prefer, you can do your best to choose something that is (or is as close to as possible) what they prefer yet that doesn’t make you feel like you’ve just compromised your ethics in the process.

Of course, when you’ve got one that also requires things to be “even” and “fair”….well…yeah…it gets interesting, for sure.
.-= Suzanne Bird-Harris´s last blog ..Great Marketing Makes You Lose Your Natural Mind =-.

Our parenting style worked beautifully with our daughter, so many years ago. Those same approaches often are not nearly as effective with our son for whatever reason.

We have had to work really hard to find effective techniques to achieve cooperation with him and many of those approaches work well in the beginning and then falters after a period of time.

I am still grappling with the struggle of not understanding the world according to boys….I was a tomboy for sure but I don’t GET that particular combination of chromosomes and all that goes with them premise of “it’s a boy thing”.

I like what the previous poster had to say…..
“Now I offer rewards for attitude and effort rather than results. Try hard, be positive, get the reward. That’s how I want to be rewarded too”.
I will keep that in mind the next time I am ready to pull out my hair!