This is where the rubber meets the road.  If you’ve followed along, you have a sense of what is most important to you this holiday season, a master list of tasks, some help lined up and a hefty dose of self-compassion for all the things that simply aren’t going to happen.

With all that in place, all that’s left is to start digging in on the list of things that are left- one baby step at a time.

So that’s your assignment for today.

Listen to the podcast Step 7 Make it Happen.

Then pick one thing (one little thing!) from your list and just do it.  Rinse and repeat.

I hope you’ve found this podcast series helpful, and if you want some help (especially with the whole business of making adjustments), I’m here for you.  Today from 10am-12pm Mountain time you can call me for Open Office Hours and we’ll do some laser coaching on whatever has you stuck.  Consider it part of my gift to you this holiday season.

Serioulsy.  Call me!  303-652-0380.  If you get sent to voice-mail, try me back in a few minutes!

Step 6 Make Adjustments

(Click to download or right-click ‘save as’ to download to your computer.)  

This is the hard part.  When you realize that your list is way too long and even with help, you simply won’t be able to do all the things you want to do or all the things other people want you to do.

And it’s hard.  Really hard.

Making decisions about what you’re not going to do.  Who you’re not going to see.  What you’re not going to buy, make or send.

This step requires compassion, permission and perhaps even a dose of self-forgiveness.

So consider this post a giant permission slip to do only what fits with your desired qualities for the holidays.

And a permission slip to have lots of different and perhaps even conflicting feelings about it: anger, disappointment, frustration, sadness, relief, excitement, and all the rest.   Give yourself some time and space to have your own feelings, and don’t be surprised if everyone else has their own feelings about some of these decisions.

And here’s a little something I didn’t mention in the podcast, but should have.

There’s a temptation to blame ourselves if we can’t do everything we wanted to do or planned to do.  You may hear some nasty little voice inside your head saying things like, “Well if you’d only planned better…”  or “If you hadn’t waited so long, you could have done it all perfectly.”

Let me say for the record, these voices are full of shit.

No matter how well you plan, or how early you start, there will always be more to do than will be possible.  And no matter how much you do, there will always be someone (maybe even you!) who will be disappointed.

These things simply cannot be helped!

The process of making adjustments is hard. There’s no way around it.  And sometimes an outside perspective is very useful.  So… to that end, I’m taking a page from Wendy Cholbi and offering Office Hours next Monday to help you navigate some of these hard choices.

Open Office Hours

Monday, December 12

10am-12pm Mountain Time.

303-652-0380 (yep, that’s my home number)

Give me a call and we’ll do some laser coaching to help you make the adjustments to your holiday plans that will work best for you and your family.  Extra compassion and permission slips for everyone!

You can also leave your question or comment down below and I’ll be sure to respond there!

This is where it all starts to come together!

Grab your lists and your calendar because now it’s time to make a plan.  Of course this will bear only passing resemblance to what will actually happen, but still.  It’s good to have a plan!  A flexible plan.  With lots of white space included for the inevitable delays, melt-downs and last minute emergencies.  Because you know it’s going to happen!  Might as well build that in!

Here’s the recording for Step 4 Make a Plan.

Overwhelm says: “I can’t do it all and I dont’ even know where to start.”

Making a plan says: “Even if I can’t do it all, at least I have a plan.”

What is the hardest part of holiday planning for you?  Please share in the comments!

One of the biggest reasons we feel so overwhelmed at holiday time is that we have things on our lists that are literally un-doable.  We make lists of projects, but don’t often take the time to break them down into their component tasks.

Which brings us to Step 3 of the Overcoming Overwhelm process: Break it Down.  As you listen, you’ll discover how to turn un-doable projects into very do-able tasks.

The secret is to include verbs in your to-do list.

Step 3 Break it Down to get to the recording and you’ll be well on your way to overcoming holiday overwhelm!

If you missed the post with the first two steps, click right here.

Sign up for my newsletter (in the drop down box above, or in the sidebar to your right) and you’ll get each new post delivered to your inbox automagically!

What thing on your holiday t0-do list is a project masquerading as a task?  Please share in the comments!

P.S.  If you’re stumped when people ask you what you want this holiday season, stay tuned… Spa Days for your Soul gift certificates are coming soon!  Email me if you want details right away!

Thanksgiving is over and you know what that means.  The insanity of the holiday season is upon us.  And what is billed as a time of peace, joy, love and celebration too often becomes a season of frustration, anxiety, hurry, conflict and overwhelm.  It’s not a pretty picture!

When expectations of a Norman Rockwell holiday clash with the reality of tightened budgets, the hassles of travel, difficult family members and way too much to do in too little time, things can get ugly in a hurry.

Fortunately it doesn’t have to be this way.  It is possible to bring a lot more peace and joy into your holiday preparations- even if you didn’t start shopping for gifts in July!

If you’re looking to take some of the overwhelm out of the holiday season to make space for more peace and joy, I’d like to help!

Overcoming Holiday Overwhelm Podcasts

In this series of podcasts posted every couple of days, you will learn a 7 step process that will take you from frantic activity to focused action.  By the end of our time together, you will have a new set of tools to ease the overwhelm that can overcome anyone this time of year.

The first thing we’ll do is spend some time exploring what the holidays mean to you and identifying the qualities of experience you want for yourself and your family.

There is always too much to do and not enough time to do it all, so we’ll talk about how to make choices based on what really matters to you.

And because making these choices is hard- we’ll discuss how to communicate your choices to others- especially when they might not be happy about them!

By the end of these podcasts, you’ll have a concrete plan, know exactly what your next steps are and be ready to enjoy the holiday season instead of merely surviving it!

Specifically, these audio recordings will help you:

• Recognize and address the physiological effects of overwhelm
• Connect with the holiday traditions and activities that matter most to you and feel OK about dropping the rest
• End the martyr syndrome and get comfortable asking for help (We’ll cover the details of what, why, when, and most importantly HOW to ask for help!)
• Create a do-able game plan for the next few weeks

This is the third year I’ve offered this class specially designed to take the overwhelm out of holiday preparations and every year it’s made a big difference in helping busy moms (like you!) get a grip on all the demands of the season in a way that feels good to them and their families.

In the past, it has been a paid class, but this year I was moved to offer it as a gift to every mom who is ready to take some of the overwhelm out of the holiday season to make room for more peace and joy.

So with that, I offer you the first two podcasts (click to play the recording now, or right click to ‘save link as’ to download to your computer.)

Step 1 Check in and Slow it Down

Step 2 Write it Down

Please let me know if you have any comments or questions!

And also- please share this with any other moms you know who could use a little more peace and joy and a little less overwhelm this month!

May your days be filled with peace and joy until next time!

P.S.  If you’re in the Boulder area, I’m offering a live workshop version of this class.  Click here for more information!

Cottonwood Branches

Last month, we had a big snowstorm here in the front range.  Nearly a foot of heavy, wet snow fell overnight downing trees all over the area.

Colorado is of course no stranger to snow, and the people and ecosystem are well adapted to the changing rhythms of the seasons.  (In other words, no snow day!) In most cases, this storm would have come and gone without much fanfare.

However the timing of this storm reminded us that the seasons of nature aren’t always quite as regular or orderly as we might suppose.  This time the snow came before the diminishing light and cooler temperatures had signaled the leaves to dry out. And before the winds that usually come whistling down the mountains in the fall had had a chance to blow the dried leaves to the ground.

And the impact of this awkward timing was evident all over, including in our backyard!

What was so striking to me was that this was a vivid example of something that I’d been thinking about since I heard Cairene MacDonald talking about transitions and the difference between what happens when we resist them, and when we don’t.

She reminded us that we’re nearly always in transition in one form or another, whether it’s transitioning from one activity or another or one phase of business to another.  And goodness knows as moms, we’re constantly witnessing our children transitioning from one stage to another.  Newborn to infant… infant to toddler… etc.  And our parenting has to constantly shift as well.  It takes a lot of conscious awareness to keep up with where our kids are instead of where they were two months or two minutes ago!

So riffing on this article, Cairene described the natural cycles of change using a deciduous tree as an example: birth, growth, maturity, turbulence, hibernation, and rebirth.

Turbulence is a natural part of the cycle of growth and is a signal that it’s time for a change.  When we look at the natural world, it is obvious that turbulence is a beneficial force- not a sign that something is wrong.

At one point Cairene said something that really struck me:

Nature doesn’t resist change.  Only humans do.

The tree doesn’t say, “But I don’t want to drop my leaves!  I’ve spent all summer getting them just right!”

When I heard that, a light bulb went on in my head.  I saw the whole picture in my head immediately: and said to the class, “Of course.. trees HAVE to drop their leaves or else when the snow comes, they will lose entire branches.”

Little did I know when I said that (way back in September!) that I would have such a real-life demonstration of this lesson!

When we look at the natural world it’s so easy to see the valuable role of turbulence in protecting the tree as a whole, and how much more vulnerable it would be if the winds didn’t regularly come.  We don’t think the tree is sick when its leaves start to change color and dry out, we recognize this as a normal part of the natural process.

But in our human lives, we often assume that turbulence (whether it’s with our children, our spouse, our community, our household routines, etc) is a sign that something is wrong.  When those first leaves start to fall (when we forget a bill, or something upsets us beyond what seems reasonable), we think it might be a signal that something very bad is (or might be) happening.

When we think something might be wrong, we tend to get scared, and when this happens, we humans seem to hold on even tighter to the status quo instead of recognizing turbulence as a signal to start dropping things.

Especially when it’s something we wanted, or something that’s been around so long we can’t quite imagine life without it, it can be very hard to imagine dropping these leaves!  Goodness knows I’ve certainly been reluctant to let go of things (and by things I mean things- clothes, furniture, books, etc… but also ideas, projects, plans, expectations and relationships.

But can you imagine a tree protesting, “It can’t be fall yet!  I’m not ready to lose my leaves!”? It’s really such a silly image!

Unlike trees, however, humans have a choice about how to deal with turbulence.  We can go with it, responding to the signal to start dropping things, or we can resist it, in which case chaos often results.

The tangle of broken tree limbs, power outages and blocked driveways was a vivid testimonial to the chaos that can result when the trees don’t have the chance to respond to the call to drop their leaves.

Finding the Fractal Flowers

Taking a step backwards, I find it especially interesting to note the fractal nature of nature- a tree that doesn’t drop its leaves risks its branches.  And a tree that doesn’t drop its branches risks being toppled completely.

Another fractal image is the larger cycles that encompass and reflect the smaller ones.

This ‘early’ snowstorm may seem out of time, out of step with the rhythms of the seasons, but perhaps there is a bigger cycle at work.  Just as the trees shed their leaves to make room for new growth in the spring, the loss of individual branches, or even whole trees is another version of letting some things drop away to make room for new growth.

And as if this weren’t enough to ponder for one day- this showed up in my morning newspaper:

Nature is ever at work building and pulling down, creating and destroying, keeping everything whirling and flowing, allowing no rest but in rhythmical motion, chasing everything in endless song out of one beautiful form into another.

John Muir

What do you think?

Are you like me?   Do you tend to hold on even tighter to the status quo when things get rocky?  And have you ever experienced the broken branches that result from a refusal to drop your leaves? (I know I have!) 

Do you see other fractals here that I don’t?

Why is it so much easier to enjoy the building than the destroying phases of nature and our own lives?  

Please share in the comments!

P.S.  Cairene has just released her latest masterpiece: How to Get Out of the Quicksand of Overwhelm.  In case you don’t know her, let me just say that Cairene knows that we creative types are bound to get ourselves into sticky situations biting off more than we can chew.  With great humor and compassion, she helps them us gently extricate ourselves and create paths and early warning systems so that we don’t fall into the same hole more than once!

I have this ebook myself and can tell you there’s lots of great stuff in there. She helps you figure out which leaves to drop, and what comes next in a way that keeps you moving forward in a gentle but steady way.

Hi sweetie!

For some reason, I felt compelled to write a really short post today simply to remind you that you are enough.

Right this minute.

No matter what the state of your house, waistline, bank account, to-do list is… you are enough.

Given my tendency to rather long posts, I am tempted to go on and on about all the ways in which you are enough.

But I’m going to stop here and trust that this post (short as it is!) is enough.

Can you pause for one moment and breath that enoughness into your whole being?

Leave a comment and let me know what happens when you do!

Well as evidenced by the space between posts these days, my summer is at least as disorganized as yours!  Maybe even more!

This post started as a reply to the comments in the previous post, but took on a life of its own.  So here goes.

The big bullet point for today:  Summer.  Is.  Different.

I know.  Sounds obvious, right?  But if you carry the same expectations of yourself and your kids that you had in the spring into the summer, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of frustration and disappointment.

Acceptance is the first step…

I stole this line from a friend who stole it from AA.  But the funny thing is that acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean what you think it means.

“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one”

Albert Einstein

Now I’m a philosopher so you don’t really want to get me started on the nature of reality!  (or if there is any such thing!)  But it is pretty clear to me that a lot of us make our lives more difficult than necessary when we fail to see and react to what the world is actually giving us, instead of what we wish or think the world ought to be giving us.

Only when we acknowledge what’s really happening do we have any chance of responding effectively.  This is especially the case when we don’t like what’s happening or things aren’t going as we hoped or planned for them to go.

So it makes a lot of sense to notice what’s actually going on in your world instead of what you think ‘should’ be going on.

Maybe you think your kids ‘should’ be able to play by themselves without interrupting you for longer than 10 minutes.  Or maybe you think they ‘should’ get their chores done or do their summer reading without being nagged reminded.

Maybe you think you ‘should’ be able to get the house cleaned and dinner made, or that you ‘should’ be able to get that project taken care of (cleaning out the basement?  Finishing your 8 year old’s baby book?)

Clarify your own expectations

The first thing to do is to take a few minutes and think about what your expectations are for yourself, your kids, your husband, etc.  If you think you don’t have any- notice the times throughout the day when you feel annoyed, frustrated or irritated.  Chances are, there’s some expectation you have that’s not being met.

Don’t beat yourself (or anyone else)up over it, just notice it.

That’s about enough for today- next time, I’ll have some suggestions for what to do once you’ve noticed what expectations you’re carrying around.

Until then, please chime in… what expectations do you have (that are perhaps being frustrated this summer?)

Please share in the comments!

Want to make sure you don’t miss a post?  Subscribe today!  Click the green button at the top of the page to have Life in the Mom Lane delivered to your email inbox.  Click the orange button to add it to your RSS reader.  You can also follow me on Twitter or hang out on my Facebook page…

Plans, Planning and the Illusion of Control

Like many moms I know, I have an on-again, off-again relationship with making plans.  All the experts tell you that planning is really where it’s at.

And some days, I buy it.  There are those days or weeks when I plot my course and I’m amazed at how easily things flow.  I’m grooving on the feeling of being in control- moving forward and getting things done!  I’m the master of my fate!

Until I’m not.

More often, it seems that I plan my day and it’s been shot to hell before breakfast is even over.  Someone’s sick, something broke, some appointment is cancelled…  and whatever plans I had for the day just got completely scrambled.

Annoyed and frustrated, I write off making plans as a sucker’s game.  A waste of time best left to the hopelessly naive or desperate control freaks.

So I turn the reins over to the universe for a while.  I take a laissez faire approach- meeting each day as it comes.  I still keep track of the big stuff- doctor’s appointments, writing deadlines, client meetings, etc.  but otherwise I just move through the days doing whatever presents itself as the most urgent or interesting thing at the moment.

This usually works at least for a little while.  Sure some things fall through the cracks, and some things never make it to the top of the pile, but no major disasters befall us.  People get fed (though there’s more mac and cheese than I’m really comfortable with) and everyone gets where they need to be (though not always with what they need to have).  All the essential errands get run (though with a few extra trips for forgotten items).  Etc.

And then something big comes along.  Maybe it’s deadline week.  Or maybe I’m starting up a new class or work project.  Maybe some household appliance malfunctions and needs to be replaced.  Whatever the cause, more and more things start to stack up and I find myself stressed out by all the things that suddenly need my attention NOW!

Now I’m into overwhelm and feeling totally out of control.

I’ve finally figured out that the quickest way out of overwhelm is to make a list of everything on my plate and take a look at when I might get it done.  Voila, I’m back in the land of the plan, and having the plan helps me calm down and regain my equilibrium.

Maybe you’ve had a similar relationship with plans and planning.  On the one hand, it’s hard to imagine life as a mom without some kind of plan in place, on the other, I don’t know of another role in which plans are so doomed to failure.  It’s like that old joke: Plans- you can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them.

An important distinction

I recently heard something that shifted my perspective on plans however.  I was listening to Charlie Gilkey of Productive Flourishing and he made a distinction that I had never quite grasped before.  Quoting Eisenhower, he said, “Plans are useless, but planning is essential.”

Plans are useless…

Well no shit, Sherlock!    But honestly, I was so relieved to hear someone finally say something like this.  Because in all the reading I’ve done on time management, organization, etc.  everyone always says you have to make a plan.  No one ever says, “Oh and by the way, this plan that you’ve spent so much time creating is utterly useless.”  But that’s what it seems like, especially for a mom’s life.

If you’re expecting to execute your carefully crafted plan exactly as written, you’re almost certainly courting disappointment.  Anytime your plans involve other people, animals, machines or the elements, you’re dealing with matters far beyond your control.  That’s just life.

The thing I came to realize is that the problem is not that reality interferes with or alters our plans.  The problem is that all too often, we think we’ve done something wrong if our plans don’t unfold exactly as we imagine them.  Either we think we’ve made a faulty plan or we think we’re at fault for not doing what we’d planned.  So we blame ourselves.  But we don’t stop to ask whether the plan was still appropriate or relevant.

If you plan to take a picnic to the park and it’s pouring down rain, common sense would tell you to change your plans.

That one’s easy.  I know.

But so is this one:  If you end up ordering pizza instead of cooking the meal you had written in your menu plan because you were talking your son through an hour of geometry homework- that doesn’t count as a failure of your plan either.  This is success of the highest order.

Success is not executing a plan in every detail, but in responding appropriately to the situation in front of you.

Planning is essential

And being able to respond to the situation in front of you is what planning is all about.

Here’s my take on why planning is useful:

• Planning helps you get the lay of the land. (What’s happening?  When?  What do I need to have or do for these situations?)
• Planning helps you identify the big, important chunks of life and make sure they don’t get lost in the shuffle.
• Planning enables you to identify the fixed commitments (those people, events, etc, that everything else revolves around), and the flexible ones.
• Planning helps you identify and prepare for the most likely scenarios (Going out with a toddler?  It’s a good bet you’ll need a diaper or two and some snacks.)
• Planning also helps you indentify and prepare for alternative scenarios.  (You think you’ll be home before naptime, but better bring the blankie just in case!)
• Planning can give you some degree of choice. (You can choose when to do certain things, or in what order.)

And perhaps most importantly, planning can help lower your stress level by helping you to feel more in control of things.

The big distinction between plans and planning is that planning is active- it engages us with the world as we currently understand it.  But once made, the plan itself is static.  Which means that while the world is still changing, the plan is not.  No wonder plans are useless!

Is there any way to come up with plans that won’t dissolve into dust and leave us feeling like we’ve failed the minute they come into contact with the real world?

How planning is like cooking

I think you can tell a lot about someone by watching them cook.  Do they read the recipe carefully, all the way through and assemble their ingredients on the counter before they start?  Do they flip the page if they discover that they are out of fresh rosemary?

Or do they open a couple of cookbooks, read through a few recipes, get the basic idea and start to cook?  Throw in a little of this and a little of that, stir, taste, and adjust until it’s just the way they like it?  No fresh rosemary? No problem.  Would dried rosemary work? Or would the fresh basil be better?

Let’s just say that some people are more comfortable with more structure, and some are comfortable with less.

If you’ve been reading this blog for very long and are still digging it, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’re one who needs a fair bit of room to move.  With that in mind, I have a few suggestions for how to approach planning so that you can enjoy the illusion of control for all it’s worth, and not beat yourself up when reality intervenes and your plans don’t go as planned.

If you think of plans like recipes, sometimes you need more precision and sometimes you need less.  Even I follow a recipe fairly closely when I’m baking because I know that a half teaspoon of baking soda can make a big difference.  When I’m making stew, or chili- I’m not going to measure the cumin!  I’ll just eyeball it.

I also think of a plan as a container.  Sometimes it’s a small container with a specific place for every item.  Sometimes it’s a bigger container and there’s more flow and movement.  Whatever kind of container I’m working with, there are four principles that help me make a plan that works.  Conveniently I’ve been able to find words for these that start with the first four letters of the alphabet!

Alternatives- Most of the time I do better with a plan that leaves me with some choices.  For example, I might plan 6 dinners for the week, but not what night I’m cooking which thing.

Buffers- When I make a plan, I’m much better about building in extra time or space between activities, events, etc.  When things inevitably take longer than I think, these buffers save me from additional stress.

Consolidate Decision-making – Making decisions takes enormous amounts of brain-capacity.  Consolidating your decision-making is much more efficient and you can see how the parts all fit together.  The reason menu planning is so helpful is that instead of deciding 7 times per week “what’s for dinner?” you decide on 7 dinners at once.

Draft- I consider all my plans to be drafts.  Works in progress.  Another ‘D’ word that works here is ‘dynamic.’  A plan has to evolve to meet the current situation.  Thinking of plans as drafts means that they are constantly being revised based on changing data.  Side benefit- with this understanding, a plan never fails- it just gets revised more thoroughly!    This also gives me room to consider possibilities that I don’t even know about.  If we get invited to go sledding on a Saturday morning, I’m very likely to ditch the plans for chores and housework.

Just like a recipe, a plan is there to serve you, to make your life easier and more enjoyable.  If you don’t like a recipe- change it!  If a plan isn’t meeting your needs or the needs of your family- change it!

So now it’s your turn….does the distinction between plans and planning shift your relationship with this whole idea?  What works for you/doesn’t work for you in making plans?  Got any helpful hints to share?

Please let us know in the comments!

If you live in CO, check out the workshop I’m doing in a couple of weeks! Click here for all the details!

Give yourself some room!

I’m going to keep this one short because I know I’m feeling the time crunch and I’m guessing just about every mom out there is feeling it too.

If there’s one piece of advice I could give us all this month it’s this:

Give yourself some room.

And I mean that on all kinds of levels.

In your schedule- give yourself some room.

Things are going to take longer than you think.

Traffic sucks.   The weather might be dicey.  Parking is a joke.  Everywhere you go, lines are long.  The store you’re in may not even have what you need, meaning you have to go to another store- or figure out plan B on the spot.

If you think you’re gonna dash in and get what you need real quick- fugeddaboutit!  Not gonna happen!

On a similar note- give your family some room.

Getting dressed and out the door for those holiday performances, parties, shopping trips, etc. etc.  will take longer than you think.

Chances are your standards are higher at this time of year.   I know my son can go a week without my noticing his hair- but the minute we get dressed to go somewhere, I’m sending him back to the bathroom for a comb.

It takes longer to button all those buttons than to pull on a T-shirt, or for the girls to find the “right” tights to go with their dresses.

Finding all the hats, mittens, boots and coats and getting everyone bundled up- it takes a while.

So give yourself some room so you’re not rushed and grumpy.

I hate to admit how many ‘fun’ events have started on a not so fun note as we race out of the house, grownups with that tight tone of voice that’s not exactly yelling- but might as well be.

Find some personal space and time.

For the next couple of weeks, there’s no school.  Days off of work, more people in your house for many more hours than you may be used to.  And I’m not even counting the guests!

Whatever normal personal routines you have are probably going to be shot- but do what you can to preserve your exercise time/journal time/meditation time.  Whatever you do to be able to hear yourself think- do it.

Give yourself some room to be alone- even if you have to hide in the upstairs bathroom for 15 or 20 minutes.  Take the dogs for a looonnnnggg walk.  Stop in for a coffee when you run to the grocery store for some vital missing ingredient.  Get your sweetie to take the kids ice-skating for a couple of hours.  (You can return the favor of course!)

Whatever- you’re a clever mom- you can think of some reason to get yourself out of the fray for a bit here and there.

Give yourself some room with your normal routine.

It’s going to be shot anyway- don’t stress about it!  Figure out what the essentials are and let the rest go for a while.

Give yourself some room with the normal rules and regulations.  Not to throw every principle of good nutrition and healthy child-rearing out the window, but could you cut yourself some slack with the sugar intake?  Bedtime enforcement?  TV restrictions?

Let me be very clear about this- this is for YOU, not your kid.  It’s not about acquiescing to their whines and demands for one more cookie, one more turn on the Wii.

It’s about you not getting stressed because you can’t hold the normal boundaries in abnormal circumstances.

Give your feelings (and those of your family) some room

Newsflash:  holidays aren’t all sweetness and light.  Hopefully there’s plenty of love, friendship, and good cheer in your life at the holidays, but harder feelings are often not far away.

Grief can be a visitor at this time, as can anger, disappointment, resentment, sadness, homesickness, and more.

Often these emotions float along just under the surface until something (or nothing) happens and they pop out.  Some people can tell you exactly where they come from and why they’re there, but for most of us, it will be more like a feeling of melancholy or even anger that comes over us for no reason we can see.

Children often use these times of closeness and warmth to show some of their hard feelings.  Jealousy might show up in a complaint that a sibling got more or better presents.   A tantrum on leaving Grandma’s house might cover their sadness at not seeing more of her.  And neither you nor they may ever know the real reason for their emotional ups and downs.

The simple point is this:  if you expect some hard feelings to come up, both for yourself and those around you, you can make room for them.  And if you can make room for them, they can come and go without disrupting the scheduled happiness too much.

And perhaps most important of all,

Give yourself and those around you room not to be perfect.

Stuff won’t all go down the way you want it to.  You might not find the perfect present for that difficult person.  You might not get the special present you were hoping for.  Your kids are going to make a mess of one sort or another.  Your husband might let you down.

You won’t be able to fulfill everyone’s expectations.  You probably won’t even be able to fulfill your own expectations.  And they won’t be able to fulfill yours.

And that’s OK.

In giving yourself room not to be perfect, you’re really giving yourself room to be you. In giving others room not to be perfect, you’re giving them room to be themselves.

And if you ask me, that’s the best gift any of us could give or receive.

Here’s one more thing to give yourself room for:   It’s a free teleclass: “First Aid for Holiday Overwhelm” and you can get all the details here.

It’s Thursday morning (THIS Thursday!) at 10 am Pacific/1 pm East Coast.

If you’re interested- do it now!  By the time you remember to come back and register, it will be all over!

So I’d love to know- what would you like to give yourself room for?  And how will you do this?

Please share in the comments!