Mural Butterfly

Mural Graffiti

Your turn:  Do you think art can change the world?  How or where have you seen it happen?  Please share!

We’ve entered a new and very interesting phase in our household.  As is totally natural and developmentally appropriate my tween son is developing his own preferences and opinions.   About what he wants to do.  What he wants to wear.  How to style his hair.  And of course… the music he wants to hear.

Truth be told, I’ve been waiting for this time with a little apprehension and a lot of curiosity.  I’m a child of the 80s no doubt about it, and while I’m willing to listen to a lot of things, my radio is pretty firmly parked on the ‘alt rock’ station here in Boulder.  (Yeah… I know… alt-rock on a corporate media channel is pretty much an oxymoron… but whatever…I like it!).

Like many people, my musical tastes got formed in my teens and 20s and I haven’t really kept up on the contemporary music scene since then.  So while I like hearing music I haven’t heard before, I like it best if it sounds like things I already know and love.  (Apparently I’m not alone, just ask Pandora!)  And I must admit, I’m kinda partial to things like a hooky melody and harmonies that are for the most part harmonious.  (Not that I don’t love me a little dissonance every now and then… just not all the time!)

Throughout his life, we’ve tried to expose AJ to a wide variety of music including classical, jazz, bluegrass, along with the aformentioned rock.  But these days his musical inputs are coming from many different sources.  His friends are introducing him to genres and bands I have no clue about.  The soundtrack at the Karate studio where he goes two or three times a week is heavy on the techo and dance beats.  And AJ is digging it.   I can’t say I’m really surprised.  Knowing how much he loves music, I’ve been waiting to see when he would start to develop his own musical preferences, and where they would lead him.

My radio pre-sets used to include NPR/classical, the jazz station, my favorite alt-rock station and a couple of classic rock stations (for when my first choice station is playing commercials).

Now we’ve added ‘party rock’ to the buttons and I’m hearing the music of bands and singers that I had heard of, but never actually heard.  And it’s been an interesting ride to say the least.   Some of it I like, some of it I don’t.  And I’m really happy to be hearing some of these songs on the radio where at least some of the objectionable content is filtered out.  Some days I wish I could understand the lyrics better, some days I’m glad I can’t (and I hope AJ can’t either!).

I know classic rock has its share of mysogyny and glorifies casual sex, drinking and drugs… but wow… Some of what I’ve heard is pretty out there!  And I’m listening to the cleaned up versions!

What has been really fun is talking to him about what he likes and why.  He’ll like the rap on one song, the instrumental break in another, and the awesome bass line in a third.  Every now and then we’ll hear a tune with a sample of something really old school and I can give him a little bit of pop music history!

I like to think I’ve been approaching the whole thing with a spirit of curiosity and openness.  And until last week, I was pretty sure that whatever he chose to listen to, I could at least tolerate.

But that was before DJ Druley.

AJ went skiing with a friend last weekend and when he came home he asked me if we could find dubstep Fail online.  He said, “I don’t think you’re going to like this.  F (his friend’s dad) says it gives him a headache.  But I like it because I can hear the music in it.”

That comment intrigued me.  So once I figured out that dubstep was the genre and Fail was the tune, it wasn’t hard to find.

So I listened.

To the whole thing.

I can’t say the lyrics have a lot to recommend them  (Fail… fail… epic fail…)  but at least they aren’t rated R.  And through the whole thing, I only cringed a couple of times!

I had a flashback to my first semester of Music Theory as a freshman at the Arts Magnet and we were given a definition of music as “a sequence of sounds and silence meant to be listened to” and thought to myself- well, if that’s the definition of music, then I guess this counts… but it sounds an awful lot like noise to me!

At least that’s my first impression!

I’m honestly hoping that this will be revised somewhat by further conversation with AJ, because if he can hear the music in this, then I’d at least like to try to understand what he’s hearing.

But even more importantly, I’d like him to know that I’m always willing to listen.  To try to hear what he hears.  To try to see things from his perspective.  And I suspect I may have lots more chances to practice as the teens approach!

Your turn:

Where are you with music in your family?  Has your child develped his/her own musical preferences?  What’s that like for you?  How do you approach (or think you will approach) content you find objectionable?

How do you distinguish music from noise?  Do you agree that this sounds more like music even though it’s created with non-musical instruments) than this (even though it’s presumably created with equipment commonly used to make music)?

Bonus question- Can you hear any music in Fail, or is it just noise?

Please share in the comments!

My job is so full of paradoxes, which is probably part of why I love it.

Right now I’m living the paradox of being tickled pink that three moms have signed up for my upcoming class at Front Range Community College, and at the same time, wanting a few more to come join us for the adventure we’re about to start.

To this end, I wanted to write a blog post about some of the things we’ll be talking about and exploring as part of this class.  So I made a bunch of notes about all the brilliant things I have to say to busy moms about how to shift their lives (and their families) from chaos to calm.  And believe me, I have a lot to say on the subject.

But the first thing I’m going to say to them is this:

There is nothing wrong with you.

No matter what the state of your kitchen, your closets, your appointment book, your checkbook…  There’s nothing wrong with you.

No matter how often you’ve been late for school, lost your keys or forgotten to send a birthday card… There’s nothing wrong with you.

No matter how mad, frustrated or disappointed others have gotten with you, or you’ve gotten with yourself for any of these things…There’s nothing wrong with you.

If they take nothing else from the class, I hope they will take this deep into their hearts, their bodies and their minds.

And herein lies another paradox.

If there’s nothing wrong with them, why sign up for this class (or any other for that matter)?

Because when you think of yourself as ‘disorganized’ it feels like there is something wrong with you.

And the disapproving looks from the school secretary when your kid needs a tardy pass (again!), or the irritation at having to pay late fees for the videos that have been in your car for 3 days (during which time you’ve passed the return slot at least 5 times), or the frustration at having to reschedule an appointment because you got the day wrong are nothing compared to the internal monologue that starts something like this:

O. M. G.  I can’t believe you’ve screwed this up again.  Will you ever get your act together?  Well, I suppose we shouldn’t really expect any different given your track record….

And then it gets worse… sometimes much worse!

So what I want to say to the moms in my class is this:  You are OK right this minute.  Being disorganized is not a moral failing or a personality defect.

At the same time, it can be incredibly frustrating and has some very real costs.

Some of these costs are financial (late fees, fines, etc.).

Sometimes there are lost opportunities (tickets are sold out, summer camp classes fill up).

Often relationships are damaged (a friend is hurt when you forget your coffee date.  Marriages are strained when disorganization leads to chaos in the household).

But the most significant cost of disorganization like this is that moms lose their ability to trust themselves.  And because they don’t trust themselves to handle the ‘little things’ of life, they don’t think they are capable of reaching for more.

Those little monster voices in our heads are very persuasive, because if you can’t even manage to get the kids to school on time, how can you ever hope to do that thing you’ve always wanted to do.

And this is the biggest cost- to these moms, and to us all.  Because right now there is an enormous reservoir of human potential being wasted because a whole bunch of moms think they aren’t ‘organized’ enough to manage their families and also live their own big dreams.

There is art that isn’t being created.  Books that aren’t being written.  Organizations that could change people’s lives for the better that aren’t being started because their creators are overwhelmed by the thought of getting dinner on the table.

There’s something seriously wrong with this picture!

And this is why I’m doing this class. So that a handful of moms can get a grip on the things that are making them crazy.  But mostly so that they can create the time, space and self-trust that it will take to bring their dreams out of hiding and into the world.

So… if this is you or someone you know (in the greater Boulder area), please pass this along.  I’d love to see you (or your friends!) in the class.

Click here for more information and registration.

What do you think isn’t happening because moms think they aren’t organized enough?  Please share in the comments!

I’ve never had a summer house or ski condo or anything like that, but checking back in here with my website and blog feels like I imagine that would feel.

It’s a place I know and love, but the key feels a little sticky in the lock and when I look around it has an empty, stale feeling.  I can almost see the vase full of wilted flowers on the table, and cobwebs in the corners.

Things are just as I left them in the middle of December, not realizing that I would be gone quite so long.    It’s like I planned to be gone for just a few days, but it ended up being weeks.  And so instead of closing up properly, making sure the fridge was emptied and the trash taken out, things are kind of scattered about.

Definitely not a conscious exit!

I’ve been thinking for a couple of weeks now that I really needed to get back in here and do a little tidying up and I’m sure I will.

But most of that will have to wait.

I imagine if I did have a little cabin in the woods somewhere I’d spend the first hour or two visiting every room, opening the windows and airing the place out.  I’d be making sure the electricity and hot water were functional, taking inventory in the kitchen, wiping down the counters and getting rid of the most obvious cobwebs.

But after that, after making sure the basics were handled, I think I’d want to light a fire in the fireplace and curl up on the couch with a cup of tea  (Because there would always be a stash of tea in the cupboards!) and soak up the essence of the space: warmth, safety, coziness, comfort, relaxation and spaciousness.

And then I might pull out a book or my knitting or enjoy a quiet conversation with anyone else who wanted to chat for a bit.

So despite all the things that need to be done, the wilted flowers that need to be taken out, the remains of the last project that need to be cleaned up, etc… I’m not doing any of that today.

Right now, I just want to warm up this space and warm up myself for the tasks of tidying, re-arranging and so forth.

So today I’m just waving Hello.  I’d love it if you’d wave back, and if you’re so inclined, you’re welcome to sit and stay for a while.

There’s plenty of room on the sofa and I have lots of blankets to cuddle up in.  And the tea kettle is always on!

Do you have a cabin/summer house/vacation condo or some such?  What is it like when you go back after being gone for a while?  Do you have a blog that you sometimes leave unattended?  What’s it like for you when you venture back in?

This is where the rubber meets the road.  If you’ve followed along, you have a sense of what is most important to you this holiday season, a master list of tasks, some help lined up and a hefty dose of self-compassion for all the things that simply aren’t going to happen.

With all that in place, all that’s left is to start digging in on the list of things that are left- one baby step at a time.

So that’s your assignment for today.

Listen to the podcast Step 7 Make it Happen.

Then pick one thing (one little thing!) from your list and just do it.  Rinse and repeat.

I hope you’ve found this podcast series helpful, and if you want some help (especially with the whole business of making adjustments), I’m here for you.  Today from 10am-12pm Mountain time you can call me for Open Office Hours and we’ll do some laser coaching on whatever has you stuck.  Consider it part of my gift to you this holiday season.

Serioulsy.  Call me!  303-652-0380.  If you get sent to voice-mail, try me back in a few minutes!

Step 6 Make Adjustments

(Click to download or right-click ‘save as’ to download to your computer.)  

This is the hard part.  When you realize that your list is way too long and even with help, you simply won’t be able to do all the things you want to do or all the things other people want you to do.

And it’s hard.  Really hard.

Making decisions about what you’re not going to do.  Who you’re not going to see.  What you’re not going to buy, make or send.

This step requires compassion, permission and perhaps even a dose of self-forgiveness.

So consider this post a giant permission slip to do only what fits with your desired qualities for the holidays.

And a permission slip to have lots of different and perhaps even conflicting feelings about it: anger, disappointment, frustration, sadness, relief, excitement, and all the rest.   Give yourself some time and space to have your own feelings, and don’t be surprised if everyone else has their own feelings about some of these decisions.

And here’s a little something I didn’t mention in the podcast, but should have.

There’s a temptation to blame ourselves if we can’t do everything we wanted to do or planned to do.  You may hear some nasty little voice inside your head saying things like, “Well if you’d only planned better…”  or “If you hadn’t waited so long, you could have done it all perfectly.”

Let me say for the record, these voices are full of shit.

No matter how well you plan, or how early you start, there will always be more to do than will be possible.  And no matter how much you do, there will always be someone (maybe even you!) who will be disappointed.

These things simply cannot be helped!

The process of making adjustments is hard. There’s no way around it.  And sometimes an outside perspective is very useful.  So… to that end, I’m taking a page from Wendy Cholbi and offering Office Hours next Monday to help you navigate some of these hard choices.

Open Office Hours

Monday, December 12

10am-12pm Mountain Time.

303-652-0380 (yep, that’s my home number)

Give me a call and we’ll do some laser coaching to help you make the adjustments to your holiday plans that will work best for you and your family.  Extra compassion and permission slips for everyone!

You can also leave your question or comment down below and I’ll be sure to respond there!

Are you ready for a little tough love today?

Let’s talk about asking for help.  Or more to the point, not asking for help.

I bet you think you’re doing your family and friends a favor when you try to do it all (even to the point of making yourself nuts in the process.)

Well let me tell you something.  You’re not.  You’re certainly not doing yourself any favors, but you’re not doing them any favors either.

You’re especially not doing them any favors if you put on your martyr attitude and walk around sighing heavily about everything you have to do.

And you’re not doing them any favors if you stretch yourself to the breaking point. By which I mean that moment you lose it in total frustration and stand there screaming (or crying), “What do I have to do to get a little help around here???”

While this may certainly get your family’s attention, they will probably be confused by your outburst and at least as frustrated as you are.

Here’s a newsflash for you:  the people around you can’t read your mind.  No matter how much they love you and would like to know what you need, they just can’t do it unless you tell them.

I think this is hard for many women to grasp, because we’ve spent so many years watching the people we love so carefully that we are often able to predict what they will want and need- sometimes even before they do- and arranging our lives so as to meet these needs.

But just because they can’t read your mind and do the thing that needs doing without being asked, doesn’t mean that they don’t want (or aren’t willing) to help.

Refusing to ask (because let’s face it- sometimes that’s just what it is!) is not only counter-productive, it can be downright obnoxious.

Every time you say to yourself, “But they should know what I need.  I shouldn’t have to ask,” you’re setting yourself and the people you love up for failure and disappointment.

So let’s stop that self-righteous refusal to ask for help shall we?

OK.  Good.

But what if you’ve tried asking for help and gotten nowhere?

I’ve been there too and if there’s anything more frustrating than not getting help because you failed to ask for it, it would have to be asking for help and still not getting it.

I’m sure we’ve all been there and done that.  And it stinks.

In this podcast, I talk about how to ask for help in a way that ensures you’ll actually get what you want.  It’s not rocket science, but I’ll bet that by making a few minor tweaks to your requests, you’ll be a lot more satisfied with the results and that much further away from Holiday Overwhelm!

Step 5 Make Requests

Please listen and tell me what you think!

Was there anything that surprised you in this audio?   I’d love to hear what it was! Please share in the comments!

This is where it all starts to come together!

Grab your lists and your calendar because now it’s time to make a plan.  Of course this will bear only passing resemblance to what will actually happen, but still.  It’s good to have a plan!  A flexible plan.  With lots of white space included for the inevitable delays, melt-downs and last minute emergencies.  Because you know it’s going to happen!  Might as well build that in!

Here’s the recording for Step 4 Make a Plan.

Overwhelm says: “I can’t do it all and I dont’ even know where to start.”

Making a plan says: “Even if I can’t do it all, at least I have a plan.”

What is the hardest part of holiday planning for you?  Please share in the comments!

One of the biggest reasons we feel so overwhelmed at holiday time is that we have things on our lists that are literally un-doable.  We make lists of projects, but don’t often take the time to break them down into their component tasks.

Which brings us to Step 3 of the Overcoming Overwhelm process: Break it Down.  As you listen, you’ll discover how to turn un-doable projects into very do-able tasks.

The secret is to include verbs in your to-do list.

Step 3 Break it Down to get to the recording and you’ll be well on your way to overcoming holiday overwhelm!

If you missed the post with the first two steps, click right here.

Sign up for my newsletter (in the drop down box above, or in the sidebar to your right) and you’ll get each new post delivered to your inbox automagically!

What thing on your holiday t0-do list is a project masquerading as a task?  Please share in the comments!

P.S.  If you’re stumped when people ask you what you want this holiday season, stay tuned… Spa Days for your Soul gift certificates are coming soon!  Email me if you want details right away!

Thanksgiving is over and you know what that means.  The insanity of the holiday season is upon us.  And what is billed as a time of peace, joy, love and celebration too often becomes a season of frustration, anxiety, hurry, conflict and overwhelm.  It’s not a pretty picture!

When expectations of a Norman Rockwell holiday clash with the reality of tightened budgets, the hassles of travel, difficult family members and way too much to do in too little time, things can get ugly in a hurry.

Fortunately it doesn’t have to be this way.  It is possible to bring a lot more peace and joy into your holiday preparations- even if you didn’t start shopping for gifts in July!

If you’re looking to take some of the overwhelm out of the holiday season to make space for more peace and joy, I’d like to help!

Overcoming Holiday Overwhelm Podcasts

In this series of podcasts posted every couple of days, you will learn a 7 step process that will take you from frantic activity to focused action.  By the end of our time together, you will have a new set of tools to ease the overwhelm that can overcome anyone this time of year.

The first thing we’ll do is spend some time exploring what the holidays mean to you and identifying the qualities of experience you want for yourself and your family.

There is always too much to do and not enough time to do it all, so we’ll talk about how to make choices based on what really matters to you.

And because making these choices is hard- we’ll discuss how to communicate your choices to others- especially when they might not be happy about them!

By the end of these podcasts, you’ll have a concrete plan, know exactly what your next steps are and be ready to enjoy the holiday season instead of merely surviving it!

Specifically, these audio recordings will help you:

• Recognize and address the physiological effects of overwhelm
• Connect with the holiday traditions and activities that matter most to you and feel OK about dropping the rest
• End the martyr syndrome and get comfortable asking for help (We’ll cover the details of what, why, when, and most importantly HOW to ask for help!)
• Create a do-able game plan for the next few weeks

This is the third year I’ve offered this class specially designed to take the overwhelm out of holiday preparations and every year it’s made a big difference in helping busy moms (like you!) get a grip on all the demands of the season in a way that feels good to them and their families.

In the past, it has been a paid class, but this year I was moved to offer it as a gift to every mom who is ready to take some of the overwhelm out of the holiday season to make room for more peace and joy.

So with that, I offer you the first two podcasts (click to play the recording now, or right click to ‘save link as’ to download to your computer.)

Step 1 Check in and Slow it Down

Step 2 Write it Down

Please let me know if you have any comments or questions!

And also- please share this with any other moms you know who could use a little more peace and joy and a little less overwhelm this month!

May your days be filled with peace and joy until next time!

P.S.  If you’re in the Boulder area, I’m offering a live workshop version of this class.  Click here for more information!