If Mama Ain’t Happy… (part 1)

This is the first in a series of posts that I’m calling, “This is Your Brain on Children.”

Some of you may have grown up (as I did) under the Regan era ‘war on drugs.’  One of the hallmarks of that time was a TV ad intended to terrify impressionable youngsters into permanent abstinence.  From drugs that is…  I can’t say how effective it was at that mission, but subsequent generations have certainly benefited from the potential for parody that it offered.  Turns out they could have used the same ad to induce abstinence from sex, because what drugs do to your brain is nothing compared to what kids can accomplish.  Drugs may fry your brain, but kids are guaranteed to scramble it!

Seriously.

Every mom I know has at one point said (or yelled) “YOU KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!”  And the funny part is it’s true.  Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reading and have learned some fascinating things about why having kids can change you from being a relatively sane, competent adult into a spacey, forgetful, raving lunatic with alarming frequency.

The good news is- it’s not you.  That is it’s not only you.  The bad news is that there is no cure, though there may be treatment!  It’s all part of how we’re wired as mammals to attend and care for our young and ensure the survival of the species.  (Yeah I know, sometimes it seems like bad programming!)

Fair warning:  I am a geek and a former academic- so you can expect to see references quoted and noted- though I will try to keep it to a minimum and promise not subject either of us to APA format!

In the first installment in this series, we consider the time honored adage, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

The inspiration for this post comes from my reading of “A General Theory of Love,”  in which three scientists  investigate the neurobiology of emotions.  Read the book for the whole fascinating picture, but here I just want to highlight one key idea which is that as mammals, we are hardwired to tune into the emotional and physiological states of those around us.  Our well being (not to mention the survival of the species depends) on our ability to correctly read these signals and shape our behavior accordingly.

To understand this, even in a cursory way, it will help to understand the anatomy of the brain- at least a little.  The human brain has three distinct, though related parts:

• The Reptilian Brain:  Some might call this the most ‘primative’ aspect of the human brain.  This area of the brain governs breathing, blood circulation, digestion and the other unconscious life processes.  It is also the seat of what we might call ‘instincts,’ the ‘fight or flight’ response, the urge to procreate, and our startle reflexes.
• The Limbic Brain:  Sometimes called the ‘mammalian brain.’  One of the things that distinguishes mammals from reptiles is that they care for their young.  The limbic brain houses the necessary equipment for doing so: the organs of perception and response that distinguish mammals from reptiles.  This is the seat of our emotions and the physiological processes that accompany them.
• The Neocortex: That which makes humans distinctively human.  This is the location for higher-order thinking and reasoning, and in particular for conscious thought and planning.

Limbic Resonance

This is a great phrase for an incredibly complex and completely familiar experience.  Remember when you had a newborn and you would wake up just moments before the baby was ready to nurse?  And you know how if one member of the family has a bad day, pretty soon everyone in the house is grumpy and irritated?  These are experiences of ‘limbic resonance.’

A mammal can detect the internal state of another mammal and adjust its own physiology to match the situation– a change in turn sensed by the other, who likewise adjusts…  Because limbic states can leap between minds, feelings are contagious, while notions are not. (A General Theory of Love, p. 63-64)

I don’t know about you, but when my son was born, for months and months afterward, whenever someone asked how I was, I would always answer in the plural.  ”We’re doing great, how about you?”  or, “Well, we didn’t get much sleep last night, so it’s been kind of  a rough day.”  Remember those days?  If they didn’t sleep, you didn’t sleep.  Somehow I never noticed that working in reverse- but I suppose it’s theoretically possible!

Given that personal identity and autonomy were some of my major interests in grad school, I found it fascinating to watch myself blurring these lines so naturally, and almost involuntarily.  It would have felt incredibly odd (not to mention false) to say, “Well my son has been up all night puking and feels like crap, but I’m doing great!”

Credit limbic resonance for the congruence of emotional and physiological states between mothers and their children.

And so here we have an explanation for that old adage….

If mama ain’t happy, her unhappiness will be contagious.  Even (or perhaps especially) if she denies or tries to hide her unhappiness.

Unlike the neocortex (and the language it enables us to use) the limbic system and its associated physiology never lies.

You know this from your own experience.  You can tell when your kid is upset even when she says otherwise.  And is anything more unnerving than having a conversation with someone who insists that they aren’t angry, but you see the pulsing vein and the clenched jaw?

Yet those of us who pride ourselves on our ability to read others so well, often try to mask our own emotions.  We’ve been led to believe that certain emotions aren’t appropriate for mothers:  anger, frustration, exhaustion, irritation, even sadness and fear.  And so we try to deny or at least camouflage them.

Well I’ve got news for you.

You’re not fooling anybody.  Not really.  The anger comes out in the pots we bang around in the kitchen;  the irritation is evident in our tone, even when our words themselves are innocent.  My son is ridiculously good at calling me on this.  He can spot my impatience, anxiety and frustration in a heartbeat- no matter how much I try to keep my tone light with him.

The limbic system never lies.  And it always affects those around us- it’s just in our wiring.

If you’re like most moms I know, right about now, the guilt is descending…  For all the times you’ve gotten angry (whether you were obvious about it or not).  For all the times you yelled, or spoke with the greatest possible restraint (when you really wanted to yell!).  For the times you went distant in your sadness, so as not to infect your family.

This seems like yet another of those no-win situations moms find themselves in all too often.

But it’s not all bad news.

Because we have such highly attuned limbic systems, our emotional states are bound to affect those around us- and that’s a good thing.  It’s what alerts us to one who is injured, whether physically or emotionally and disposes us to render aid.  It is also what enables us to feel joy at another’s success or good fortune.  In short, it’s what enables us to build and sustain communities small and large.

Because we’re good mommies, we want only our happiness and joy to affect our families, not our anger, sadnes or fear.  But it just doesn’t work that way.

So what’s a mommy to do?

Tune in next week and find out!

Til then, how do you notice ‘limbic resonance’ working in your household, workplace or other social situation?

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